


Promise?

by ifuckupmyownlife



Category: ARGONAVIS from BanG Dream! AAside (Video Game)
Genre: Character Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:48:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27299725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifuckupmyownlife/pseuds/ifuckupmyownlife
Summary: Nijo Kanata, sick from a young age, learns to integrate into the complicated life of a normal kid after being allowed to go to school.He just wants to be with Haruka, like at home.(Please read the authors note)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	1. Complete

**Author's Note:**

> since theres not much info on the nijos (or epsi, in general, sobs), i expect this fic to go out of canon quickly.  
> but i wanted to share my take on kanata as of now anyway, as i find him a deeply interesting character to play around with - hope you guys enjoy!

The doctors had called it a miracle. Nijo Kanata, with 2.4 kilograms and 45.3 centimeters was born. 

“He looks … purple” was what Kanata’s dad first said when he saw his second child.

“How dare you! He’s a fighter - aren’t you, little Kanata?” 

///

Nijo Kanata was not allowed to go Outside, so instead, his parents hired artists to decorate his room with flowery fields and distant castles from the fairy tales he liked.

Haruka, much less frail, much more normal, much more complete, played with him everyday. Kanata couldn’t leave his bed, so instead Haruka brought in what he could - little stones he washed before presenting them to his easily impressable little twin, flowers their mother scrapped for not fitting into the arrangements she was working on or kabuki masks he stole from their father (which he was scolded for later).

Time was limited for Kanata, he had been told as much. Everyday, he’d get at most two hours with Haruka, for Haruka was allowed Outside. Outside had many dangerous things, Mother had said. Yet Haruka left for pre-school cheerily everyday. Kanata couldn’t imagine a life like that. Even his bedroom windows didn’t let him see too far, it was just the Nijo flower garden. Haruka’s window looked at the entrance.

How jealous he was.

Before bed, he always counted the blue flowers on the hills - never failing to find all twentyfive fully bloomed, various blue flowers.

Blue was a nice color. It reminded him of the morning sky, peaceful seas he saw on recordings and most importantly his brother.

Twentyfive was also a good number. You could pronounce it as “ni-jo”, as he later learned. 

Thirteen, a blue hyacinth.

Fourteen, fifteen and sixteen, blue hydrangea.

Sometimes he heard his mother crying in front of his door but not stepping inside. She was quiet, fearing Kanata might hear. He never mentioned it to her.

Tonight was one of those nights.

Seventeen, blue poppy.

///

Haruka had started school, while Kanata was homeschooled by a very stern, traditional lady. She wore a kimono and demanded of Kanata to learn not only his kanjis and numbers but also how a proper young boy should act. She talked a lot about theatre. What were the pillars of rakugo. What was kabuki all about.

Kanata had a feeling Father wanted him to know as much about his passion before it was too late.

Haruka had happily told him they caught bugs today while Kanata was trying to write his name with a calligraphy brush.

How jealous he was.

Yet he couldn’t be mad at Haruka. It was not his fault he was normal.

Two, his favorite number, had represented a little bunch of forget-me-nots. 

Kanata hoped Haruka would never forget him.

///

Two years later, something magical had happened to him.

The Nijo family doctor, who was so used to the four times a week check ups, Kanata was sure he had also memorized his favorite flowers, had said Kanata was healthy enough for school. 

He had survived, whatever the big bad illness was. He wasn’t told and he didn’t ask. He called it “Inside-fever” with Haruka.

It took all winter to convince Mother. Even Father had pleaded his case. 

Kanata didn’t want to be hopeful. He tried to say “Of course I don’t mind staying home”, but the words felt so wrong, he instead didn’t say a thing.

He wanted to go with Haruka, to Outside.

He was allowed to play in the garden with Haruka. He made his first snow angel, Haruka had taught him how.

He licked the snow with Haruka, then Haruka said “Shh!” and then they both giggled. 

This is how Outside tasted and felt like.

He really wanted to go to school, with Haruka.

///

On April second, he was so anxious he woke up so early it was still dark. He tiptoed to Haruka’s room who was awake as well.

They really were twins, Kanata thought with warm glee.

In the morning, Kanata was hurried into the family car as one of the helpers smiled at him from the little mirror. Kanata grinned back.

When they arrived to the school, Haruka had stopped talking and greeted their classmates.

Their classmates, Kanata didn’t know. And Haruka didn’t share.

He never talked about them, how could he forget to say something like this? 

Kanata was left behind and his homeroom teacher put a reassuring arm around Kanata’s shoulders. It didn’t matter.

Nothing mattered now about Outside. 

He was alone, more alone than when he was left at home in his make believe flower field.

He introduced himself, just like how his previous teacher had taught him. The others looked surprised, in awe. 

The classes were easier compared to what he learned at home yet he didn’t once dare to raise his hand.

Everyone was looking at him. He couldn’t tell why - was he looking funny? Did his hair tie go against some unspoken rule among the others?

In the break time, he was swarmed. He had no chance of following Haruka and his two other friends. They changed the water in the flower vase while Kanata was stuck. 

He realized now Outside and Inside were more complicated. He was technically Outside. Yet the others made him feel trapped.

He didn’t say anything, he pushed down his feelings like how a proper young boy should and cheerily answered their questions. 

The girls cooed over how cute he was. The boys wanted to play with him.

Kanata wanted to follow Haruka.


	2. Distant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka, Haruka, Haruka. Like a silly urban legend, Kanata wishes he could chain Haruka next to him with only three words. He needs a little story to do the trick, actually.

Even though she means well, Mother is overprotective.

That’s why once a week a kind man visits him - he’s a psychologist, Mother says. Father isn’t happy about it at all. He says Kanata is not a nutcase (Haruka whispered to him it means someone who is “cuckoo”) there is no need for such a young boy to already have someone try to find problems in his life.

As about everything in Kanata’s life though, Mother decides on the kind man’s visits, so Kanata is sat in the guest room with the man.

He is articulate and calm. He explains that he surely must feel isolated. Kanata shakes his head, he doesn’t know that word. The man just smiles and asks if he feels sad. Kanata shakes his head again, but this time he knows that word.

He doesn’t know what he feels. He knows what the words mean. Angry, sad, happy, confused, awkward… he watched them all on Haruka.

“...Blue?” The man asks again.

Kanata vehemently shakes his head.

“Sir, blue is not for sad.”

“Is that so? What is it for?” he leans forward, seemingly excited to hear Kanata’s reasoning.

“...Haruka.”

The kind man leans back, scribbles something on his papers. Kanata watches on edge. 

“What do you think about Haruka?”

Kanata is almost excited to answer - oh, had he been asked this a few weeks ago, before school! He’d have told how much of a good brother Haruka is. How much he loves him. He’d have told the man all the nice stories about him. When they reenacted Rapunzel that they read in secret, because both of their parents found it nonsense. How Haruka brought Outside Inside for him. When Haruka screamed with Mother to let him give Kanata a frog from the backyard. 

Then he deflates as he thinks about the past few weeks of school.

“I think … he… he’s selfish.” he decides.

This time he continues without having been asked to.

“He’s selfish… Incredibly… selfish… Kept his friends to himself… Then I was alone in…” he can’t bring himself to say ‘school’.

“He- he leaves me alone and it feels like. Underwater.”

They continue like this for an hour. He nods, then talks to Mother. Kanata is informed the visits will keep up.

No one tells him this is normal.

Kanata struggles in school. Not with his grades, but with his classmates. Everyday he comes home tired. So, so tired. Like a good boy he pretends to be engaged in their silly stories and acts. But Haruka is so far away.

In music class, Haruka sings the nicest. 

In the next music class, Kanata decides to be the nicest singer. 

Yet when he is praised, Haruka is not upset. He is smiling. He is happy.

It would be easier to cut this invisible string if Haruka wasn’t such a nice person. It makes Kanata feel even more wrong and rotten inside.

Father urges Kanata to learn theatre. He wants Kanata to be an actor, but not like those “botchy” movie actors. A real one, learning traditional japanese theatre and dance.

Kanata wants to learn music with Haruka.

He knows he’s more suited for the stage, but how could he just willingly give away more hours spent with Haruka? 

He cries and begs to play the piano like his big brother does. 

Kanata will have to study twice as hard to keep up with Haruka. Turns out the kimono lady taught only Kanata during her visits and Haruka was taught by a young girl with glasses to read and play music.

He doesn’t mind. He desperately wants to close the evergrowing gap between himself and Haruka and if what a few more hours of studying is what it takes, it’s fine.

He will follow Haruka, even if it means not studying what he wants.

///

Years pass by and Kanata nowwould be more able to tell the kind man what he hates the most: changing. 

His hatred goes as far as grimacing at the falling leaves or the pink sakura blossoms. He screams inside, “choose already! Do you want to be summer or winter!”.

But the kind man is no more, Kanata learned how to adapt to what the kind man wanted to hear from him. He loves school. He loves people. He loves his family, Haruka included, yes, but his whole family. He chose music because he loves it. He doesn’t like the theatre, nothing extreme, he never once tore his own script in a fit of rage. He never gets them, of course.

He is even able to smile through all his lies.

He finds out people’s buttons are easy to push. He imagines them as robots around him. He desperately wants to find Haruka’s own set of buttons. 

In middle school, Haruka joins a band. 

Kanata can’t keep it down anymore. He can’t join. They have everyone assigned to an instrument.

So he takes matters into his own hands.

It was maybe too easy, but the damage was nice and done at least. 

“I heard Haruka had tried to kill his little brother…”

It’s not a lie but it’s not the whole truth.Days ago, while helping with his homeroom duties, he let it slip to that gossip twinbraid girl, how he was very sick when he was a child, so he hopes those with the usual fevers recover quickly.

The girl pressed on - what kind of illness? 

Kanata acted like he barely remembered and was now much more invested in cleaning the top of the desk. 

“Mother never told me - I think she’s afraid if she speaks it into existence I might fall sick again. One time Haruka bought me something from a convenience store - he refused to eat it. After that, I puked white foam. Luckily our doctor was on fast dial at the time. Poor Haruka was almost - I can trust you, right?”

The girl nods frantically.

“Haruka was almost taken out of school. Delinquient… I clearly remember our Mother saying that… Funny, isn’t it?”

He then acts like he doesn't notice the chain e-mail being sent.

It took a few days for the school to spin the story of a kind hearted Haruka offering him candy to a naive Kanata still not admitting his big brother tried to poison him. 

His band finds this “messed up”, so Haruka is kicked out.

Between the first two periods Haruka confronts him.

Kanata feels an entirely new sensation as Haruka looks at him with teary eyes.

“What the fuck have you been lying about?”

Kanata plays dumb. But it’s not working, not with his aniki.

Haruka punches him, thus ending his school fame perhaps forever. Kanata is taken to the nurse, where he makes himself puke for dramatic effect.

Their parents arrive quickly, furious at Haruka. He is banned from everything there is to enjoy for a thirteen year old.

In his light headed state, Kanata smiles to himself.

Haruka looks at him again, with those hateful eyes. Like as if he was a vermin in Mother’s garden.

Kanata finds out he enjoys this look on Haruka the most.

Summer is deeply unpredictable. Racing to be Haruka’s number one was impossible. But winter, with its ever welcoming freeze, is safe. He wants to be Haruka’s winter. 

Perhaps then, Haruka will never forget about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kanata not leavign my damn mind. heres chap 2 for all you bastards.


	3. Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanata has to come to the realization he is nothing but Haruka is everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before aaside completely catapults itself into all of my headcanons, i decided to finish this with a very depressive, small bang. enjoy the two confetti/person rule.

No one understands, no one understands him at all.

Kanata is floating from day to day, doing what’s expected of him, being a good son, a reliable bassist, a nice upperclassman to the first years and a honest class representative, but it’s just never enough.

He tries to fill this void in himself, maybe the Haruka shaped hole in his heart can be filled. He doesn’t want to be left alone, he’s either with his friends, the maids, his mother, anyone who seems to be alone. Sometimes even reiji or tadaomi, most of the time shuu. He can’t be left alone.

The hardest are the nights, when no one is there to console him - this big, gaping nothingness in him.

He lashes out at Haruka, Haruka, Haruka and when Haruka looks at him with disdain, tells him to fuck off, curses him, sometimes even punches him, Kanata feels something.

He feels, he feels, he feels, so he chases to get more reactions from Haruka. 

Nothing is interesting, there’s a blackhole just above his fingertips that sucks out every joy or sadness from everything before he could touch it.

Kanata knows how he should feel, so he acts how he thinks he should feel. Maybe this is why it’s even harder to connect to kurama-senpai, he wonders. Maybe once kurama-senpai acts like how Kanata usually is, maybe he will be the victim of the Nothingness too. 

shuu is too young to understand the Nothing, he thinks he’s bored. 

karasuma-senpai is perhaps too accustomed to the Nothing.

But Haruka, Haruka knows the Nothing yet it doesn’t affect him, he searches for the Nothing, he embraces the Nothing. 

Why can’t he be Haruka? Understand himself and others.

He breaks Haruka’s old bass that night and Haruka says vile things. Kanata smiles and soaks it all up like it’s the most beautiful sound the world has to offer. 

“I wish you were never born” _Me too_   
“I want you gone” _Me too_   
“You’re just a waste of space”  _Yes, I am._

Haruka understands him more than anyone else in the world. 


End file.
